The Year in Film 2007
An abusive customer… he wants his steak really rare… and there's chef Catherine Zeta Jones with a raw piece of meat on a butcher's fork. "YOU WANT IT RARE?!" (she emphasizes by slamming fork and meat on the table.) Cut to therapy… hey look, it's Bob Balaban talking to CZJ about anger issues… cut to the car accident. Niece Abigail Breslin says "bye-bye" (crash)… now unmarried, kidless CZJ has a kid and babysitting issues. The babysitter is a goth freak; boy that's both funny and likely — good thing sitting agencies never screen anybody. CZJ is a world-class chef, but serves Miss Breslin a big fish head on a plate (oh, yeah, that's both funny and likely, too)… cut to Bob: "have you tried 'fish sticks'?". CZJ: "I can't believe I'm paying for this." Right with you, sister. Oh, and somewhere in there, Bob eats CZJ's marvelous cooking (guessing she didn't prepare him a big fish head)… cut to new rival chef Aaron Eckhart… cat-fight hint, and then they work together. CZJ cuts a menu 60/40: "you make those dishes". Eckhart: "your half is bigger". Ah, menu envy (funny and likely!)… cheesy music, some voice-over about relationships… raining outside, Abigail Breslin says "Men!" disgustedly (funny and likely!) It's soooooo cute when precocious preteens are relationship-savvy… final cut to Aaron and CZJ alone with wine and a fireplace — uh oh, they're going to KISS — but as CZJ sleepily leans in, Eckhart points out she's on his sweater. How droll.
For the uninitiated, I've just described — to the best of my recollection — the trailer for No Reservations. And for all of you, I now ask, "if you saw the trailer, or read what I described, why would you see the movie?"
In the above, I guarantee I've seen the movie's most poignant moment — CZJ slamming the raw meat, every major plot point — CZJ gets anger therapy, CZJ acquires child, CZJ acquires rival, CZJ — reluctantly — falls in love; we've seen the humor through misplaced hyperbole (no recommended babysitter would read about diseases to a child, no mother would expect a child to eat a big fish head — these things are simply wrong, like putting a chair on a toilet or making Alberto Gonzalez Attorney General), we've seen the precocious child. You know what we loved about Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine? She was a child. She was a child in every sense of the word, and delightful at it. Who decided she should act? We've seen the therapist, one of the classic clichés of modern cinema (can't figure out how to describe your heroine through actions and dialogue? Send her to a shrink and then your audience will know. Boooooo.) At last, we see the meet-cute (in the form of a meet-hiss), the ice-breaking and the "we're in love" moment ("oh, no we're not, there must be more film in the canister"). None of it is new. None of it seems real. Garry Marshall gave us this exact film in preacher-form two years ago (Raising Helen). Finally, the trailer ends with Bob Balaban's pithy aphorism: "the best recipes are the ones you make yourself". Super, even the cliché moral made it into the trailer. Still want to see this movie? Well I don't. Ever.
I hate bad trailers.
Now here's some stuff that actually made me want to see the film. Best trailers of the year:
- Superbad — You had me at "McLovin".
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix — Exactly what you want in a trailer: the hint of action, excitement, conflict, character and surprise without delving into any of them.
- The Simpsons Movie — After being introduced to the four states that border Springfield ("Ohio, Maine, Kentucky and Nevada"), there was a 0% chance I wouldn't see this film.
- Knocked Up — Nothing cast, terrible title; if not for the trailer involving Seth Rogen playing fetch with a child, I wouldn't have bothered with this film.
- Untitled JJ Abrams project (later Cloverfield) — Saw this in July, and it was more memorable than the feature itself. Handheld camera, party, nothing special. Then, presto, some sort of attack. WTF? Ends with the Statue of Liberty's head on a side street. I need to know what happened here. No points off for lack of title. Just adds to the mystery. Points off for release date of 1/18/2008. January is reserved for crap like Leprechaun and films trying to finesse Oscar votes. This is obviously neither.